Last night's dream felt really important, somewhat disturbing. First of all, I should explain a few of the characters in the dream (I did not change their names.)
Andi-- I had a brief crush on him in college. He's from Albania, and he was a doctoral student in piano performance. I was an undergrad majoring in music composition, and I thought he was really hot. Like most of my crushes, I never acted on my feelings, but suffered in silence. One time after his recital I got to shake his hand, and I was surprised by how soft it was, even though he wasn't overweight. (Eventually the crush went away, and I wondered why I even thought he was hot.)
Sarah-- the music leader at my church, one of the pastor's daughters. I really don't like her for some reason, probably a mix of jealousy and disdain that she is less talented than I think I am, plus younger, and she's never had to suffer, but she seems to have the life that I've always wanted to have.
My brother-- In real life I get along with him really well.
It started out with me crying uncontrollably, just weeping. I was crying throughout the entire dream. I was very angry with my brother, and I was packing my bags to leave wherever I was. I was in a big square white room; there seemed to be kind of a short balcony all around the edge, probably only two feet high or so. I was standing on the balcony. There were familiar people all around. Suddenly I saw Andi standing on the ground right below where I was standing. I felt really drawn to him, but also really angry. He said, "Don't you remember that you and I are married?" I was angry and I said, "Oh yeah, how could we be married? You've been gone; I haven't seen you in years." I turned my back and refused to talk with him, while I finished putting things into my bags. Andi decided to write me a note, since I wasn't listening to what he said. He wrote on a small, square, white piece of paper, like a post-it note. I wouldn't take it, so he gave it to a friend who was standing next to me. She read it and said, "Oh Abigail, you have to read this, it's a beautiful love poem."
I snatched it from her hand, and read it as I was storming out of the room, off to the left. He had beautiful handwriting, with a curly Artistic A for my name:
"Abigail-- Is all of this really necessary, when you have me?"
Then there was a couplet that was supposed to be a mini love poem. I don't remember the words, but I remember it was a rather cheap poem. Something really easy like "I want you to come back / In love you will never lack." (Those weren't the words, but the idea was, it was the kind of thing you could write in 5 seconds!)
I remember shaking my head vigorously, sorrowfully, as I ran out of the room.
He called out behind me, "Don't you remember? We had just gotten married, and we rented a nice little apartment in Kansas City with wooden floors. We hadn't even moved the furniture in, when you ran off on some adventure with your brother!"
Then I realized that it was my fault, and I had the impression of having nothing but conflict and trouble with my brother. And I had no memory of any conflict with Andi.
I was outside of the room, but I paused, and leaned my head on my folded arms, while standing up. (A strange posture in real life!) Through the slit of light reaching my eyes through my arms, I saw Sarah standing in front of me half-crouched in a kind of strange posture, pointing at me. It sort of looked like a martial-arts position?? I had to look a few times just to figure out who and what it was.
When she saw that she had my attention, she said, "Are you leaving us now? I mean in the Christian sense." (Dreams sometimes word things strangely; I understood the meaning to be, "Are you abandoning your Christian faith?") Of course, I would never abandon my Christian faith, but I did NOT want to talk with her, so I just waved my arms wildly, dismissively, still crying. There was a bed nearby, and I threw myself on it. I heard a snippet of "Humoresque" by Dvorak, and I thought, "Even if I lose everything, I know I'll always like Dvorak's music, even if he's not my favorite composer."
Then the thought came to me, "It would be nice to live in a home where someone was practicing piano a lot." (Andi was a piano player.) Then I felt sad that I could not longer play the piano like I used to.
Then I fell into hysterics, losing consciousness. I felt people were gathering around me, concerned. When I opened my eyes I saw Andi's face smiling at me, and he was holding my left hand. He had a soft hand. I thought that his face was simply beautiful, indescribable. He was so peaceful, so faithful. I wanted to move back in with him, and I thought, "I don't care if we move to eastern Europe, or anywhere, if we are together."
End of dream
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I feel very desperate to understand this dream. More desperate than any dream I've had in a long time. I sense it is extremely important, but I'm not getting it. First of all, I am pretty sure my "adventures with my brother" represent my marriage. My husband is, after all, a Christian brother, but we've had nothing but problems and conflicts since we met.
But what does Andi represent? My first guess was that he represents Jesus, and it seemed to make sense, since I have been rather cold towards Jesus (everyone, actually) lately, and I want to get back to the spiritual condition I used to be in. But I'm not completely satisfied with this explanation. First of all, I've known Jesus since I was a child, not since right before meeting my husband, as the dream seems to put it. Secondly, I don't think Jesus would write a tacky poem! It just seems a bit weird.
Then I thought maybe Andi represents my animus, but I don't really know how to deal with that concept.
Then I thought maybe he represents my "ideal" man, the one I always hoped I'd meet and marry. This ideal was shattered the day before my wedding. I've had to kill the ideal in order to face reality, but maybe the dream's telling me he's still alive somewhere.
I don't know which of these options is right, and even more importantly, I don't know what to do about it.
A dream dictionary I consulted said that crying in a dream is a way to express inner emotions in a safe environment. If so, it seems I would have awakened rather refreshed, with a feeling of release. But that was not the case. I woke up disturbed, unwilling to face the day.
Two days later, I did start to cry, but only for about 30 seconds or so. I know I need to cry to get the negative energy out, but it seems pointless and unhelpful towards solving my real problems. It immobilizes me, when what I desperately need is a plan of action, something that will bring me real life and peace. Anyway, I can't cry; it has been blocked.
